Political One Liners!

• I am sure by now you know that Bill and Hillary have moved into their home in Chappaqua, New York. Chappaqua is an old Indian word for "place to dump the wife."

• If you want to get Hillary a housewarming gift, can't go wrong with a map of New York.

• Today, a reporter asked President Clinton how it feels to spend the night in a strange house. "Oh, hell, I do that at least 4 nights a week so it's not that unusual."

• When the Clintons looked at the calendar and realized it was time to move, they were going to have their friends help them move. But then they realized all their friends were in jail.

• Hillary was busy all day. She had to unload the boxes, she had to unload the table, she had to unload the chairs. Now all she has to do is unload Bill.

• The Clintons spent their first night in their New York home. Clinton says he didn't get a good nights sleep. For one thing, it takes a while to get used to a new couch.

• Bill and Hillary christened their new home in the traditional fashion. They did not have sex in any of the rooms.

• The new president of Russia, Vladimir Putin has a black belt in karate. Our president has a black belt too. It's usually around his ankles.

• Hillary Clinton has moved into her home in New York. Bill is saying when he leaves the White House, he wants to return to Arkansas and run for the senate. Bill in Arkansas and Hillary in New York. "Gee, I hope this doesn't put a strain on their marriage."

• Monica Lewinsky testified against Linda Tripp in Maryland yesterday. And at one point she asked for a 10 minute recess. Afterwards, the judge came back to the courtroom much happier.

• Here is a message from the Post Office. Today is the last day to mail your holiday packages if you want them lost by Christmas.

• The First Couple is moving. They got a house. President Clinton and Hillary got approval to build an 8 foot protective wall at their brand new home in New York. And apparently it's across the middle of their bedroom.

• It's kind of scary. Bill Bradley has the irregular heartbeat. Now they are checking all the candidates. Al Gore has no pulse whatsoever.

• Hillary gets wind of the transit strike and she thinks "I better take a subway ride cause I have to know what's going on." So, Hillary, over the weekend, for the first time took a subway ride and she was STUNNED. She had never seen that much shoving and touching, and pushing and groping since the last time she walked in on Bill.

• The White House announced today that Bill Clinton has the flu. Judging by some of the woman he's been with lately, I think it's the swine flu.

• President Clinton spoke about his new library in Arkansas today. He hopes it will be a beacon for helping to solve the world's problems. There will be an adjoining cafe, the "Hard Clinton Cafe."

• They have Linda Tripp on trial and Monica Lewinsky might testify as a witness for this pretrial hearing in the Linda Tripp wiretapping case down in Maryland. So Monica and Linda can face each other in court. In fact, I think tomorrow is the big weigh in. This could be the heavyweight event of the year.

• According to a disturbing new report, math scores are down 20%, reading scores are down 30% and science scores are down a whopping 50%. And that's just at NASA headquarters.

• NASA still hasn't communicated with the Mars Lander. They say there is a better chance of Bill communicating with Hillary than ever making contact with the Lander.

• Things are getting a bit testy with Bill and Hillary. Today, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton says she opposes her husband's "Don't ask, don't tell" for the military. I wonder why? It's worked so well for their marriage.

• It was announced today that Hillary Clinton will spend Christmas at the White House and then move to her new home in New York. She's already busy packing boxes. It's got to be hard, packing up a lifetime of shredded documents.

• The White House announced today that Hillary is packing up. She is moving to New York and this may be her good bye to the White House for good. She got a little misty while packing. She said that if the walls could talk, they'd also give Bill Clinton the silent treatment.

• Al Gore was asked recently to tell us something we don't know about him. He said he likes to paint. In fact, you know what a self-portrait penned by Al Gore is called? A still-life.

• This is how much Hillary Clinton is Jewish. She lit the menorah, made a wish and blew them out.

• First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton is over in Istanbul, Turkey. Must be a senate seat open there too. She gave a very powerful speech against prostitution. When she was done, Clinton gave a 5 minute rebuttal.

• Sunday night is the big Y2K movie. The story about New York paralyzed by the Y2K. If you only watch television, your impression of New York would be one disaster after another. Y2K, earthquakes, Hillary Clinton.

• The person who is collaborating with Hillary Clinton on a new book on the White House also wrote a book on sexually transmitted disease. The strange thing was that the research for that book was also done in the White House.

• New York Times has announced that Hillary Clinton has postponed her Senate announcement. They are talking about her announcing on Valentine's day. Well, that's a good day, it's not like she'll be doing anything else that day.

• Big news from outer space. Astronomers have located a solar system a hundred fifty-three light years away from earth. That is the same distance Al Gore is trying to generate between him and President Clinton.

• Bill and Hillary are in Turkey. Then they will go to Greece. Hillary feels that they should go to Crete because Bill would fit right in with the Cretans. And Bill shot back, "Maybe you'd feel better on the Isle of Lesbos.

• Top New York Democrats are saying that in order for Hillary Clinton to campaign effectively, she may have to give up her responsibilities as First Lady. But Bill said, "That's okay, I'll have an intern fill in for her."

• This past weekend marked 45 years since Ellis Island closed. Remember, that's where the immigrants used to come into this country? It has since been replaced by California.
  
• President Clinton may visit Vietnam in the year 2000. I guess he found that draft notice on his desk.

• Sunday is Halloween. I'm excited. As soon as I'm done here, I'm going to run to the costume shop and get the shoulder pads for my Linda Tripp outfit.

• You have to feel bad for the Atlanta Braves. They come all this way, to New York to get their ass kicked. Do you see how that works Hillary?

• The reviews are in from the presidential debate. They say that Bill Bradley was wooden and Al Gore was plastic. And Clinton is, as always, latex.

• Well, it's a big weekend at the White House. President Clinton loves Halloween. They are getting ready for the traditional reading of the "Legend of Sleepy Hollow." Clinton loves that one because not only is it a legend but since Monica left he identifies with the headless horseman.

• Forget the world series. In New Hampshire tonight, it was the first presidential debate between Al Gore and Bill Bradley. And you thought this show was dull. It was so boring, the state is changing it's slogan from "live free or die" to "please kill me."

• Hillary Clinton had a birthday. One awkward moment when someone asked her if Bill gave her anything. She said the test results weren't in yet.

• Happy Birthday to Hillary Clinton. The White House spokesman said that the President was thinking of giving her some sexy lingerie. From his desk drawer.

• President Clinton was late for his press conference. I wonder what he could be doing for 5 minutes?

• Finally, some good news for the Clinton administration. It seems Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt has been cleared by an Independent Council of all charges. It took 7 years, looks like we found a member of the Clinton cabinet that is innocent.

• The Phillip Morris Tobacco Cartel shocked the nation by admitting that cigarettes are dangerous and do cause cancer. President Clinton said today that Phillip Morris waited way too long to admit that cigarettes cause cancer. You know how Clinton feels. When you have been caught doing something, you should admit it right away. Not weasel out of it.

• Hillary Clinton is saying she is pulling for both the Yankees and the Mets. In that respect, she's a lot like her husband. He is for marriage AND adultery.

• The presidential race is heating up. Al Gore and Bill Bradley have agreed to a televised debate. Under the terms, there will be a moderator who asks each candidate a question, and is then kept awake with a cattle prod.

• Happy Anniversary to President Clinton and his lovely wife, Hillary. Yesterday, they celebrated their 24th wedding anniversary. 24 years is a long time for a guy to be cheating on his wife.

• Congratulations to Bill and Hillary, celebrating their 24th wedding anniversary. Call me a romantic, but I still think it's great that after 24 years, these two can still they can still fake a relationship.

• Hillary Clinton spent the weekend in Iceland. Isn't that redundant?

• Al Gore of course has been campaigning in New York. This guy is so dull, he can put a Starbucks asleep.

• The U.S. Senate approved a Republican plan to raise the minimum wage but the White House has threatened to veto the bill. It was an honest misunderstnding. The president thought they wanted to raise the minimum age.

• Al Gore ridiculed George W. Bush for not knowing world leaders. He's no Einstein himself. During a speech to the Sierra Club on Wednesday, the vice president called for a ban on any new roads through Tiger Woods.

Some links to some more political humor:

    www.argushamilton.com/today.htm        

Last update: March 22, 2005